TV or Not TV
by mat528
Summary: Choosing a television set for one's daughter is challenging and amusing, especially when a Time Lord is involved.
1. Chapter 1

TV OR NOT TV

**A/N: This idea came to me after watching the new Hawaii Five 0 series. I thought about doing a crossover—just a short one—featuring the characters and the 11****th**** Doctor.**

**Just let me go on record as saying that I LIKE both the new and the old series; however, there were some things about the old series that my friends used to have a chuckle about, so this fic is about those things we used to talk to each other about. If that offends anyone, simply**_** don't read this fic. **_**If, however, you don't mind ribbing the old or new series just a little, then read on.**

**Reviews are love, and no flames, please.**

**Disclaimer: Now for the boring...I don't own any part of DW (including the prop cited in this story), the old or the new Hawaii Five 0/O series. If I did, I would leave my boring gov't job in a heartbeat! (Kidding, folks.) Also, about Kono, I **_**did **_**look on the websites, and it is spelled "K-O-N-A" for her character, so I am using that spelling.**

**Synopsis: Buying any appliance to please your child can be challenging..and amusing, particularly when a Time Lord gets involved.**

CHAPTER ONE

"I think it's over there!" Kona Kalakaua's voice rang out as she went over to the Five 0 team's intended target.

The leader of the four of them, Steve McGarrett, replied, "No, I think this is the right one."

Chin Ho Kelly checked the information on his laptop and said, "You're both wrong. This isn't what he's looking for." He started making his way to the back of the store they were in.

Detective Danny Williams sighed inwardly. He told himself over and over that he should've just looked for the item by himself. Danny, who Steve sometimes called "Danno", had not wanted to involve his teammates for this particular assignment, but he wanted no mistakes, and instinct told the cop that eight eyes were better than one.

Steve came up behind him, saying, "I think I found one." They walked to the corner on the left side of the shop.

"Right here, Danno," the former Navy Seal officer said proudly. Danny shook his blond head.

"Not it," he told Steve as he pulled out a small white piece of paper. "We've got to find a TV set that matches _this."_

Steve mumbled something unintelligible that sounded something like a curse word.

"What was that?" Danny asked, giving the taller cop a look. Hoping to diffuse the fire that would soon start, Kona came up between them.

"I'm sure whatever we pick out will be more than okay," she tried to soothe, "because it came from you. It's the thought that counts."

"Yeah," Steve agreed. "Besides, we've been in Murray's TV Shack on the Big Island for three hours now! Don't you think we should get back and see if the governor has any cases for us to solve?"

Danny regarded his friend for a long moment. It was true, they had been searching for a television set to replace the broken one his daughter had in time for her tenth birthday, but Ohana was Ohana, and he wasn't giving up.

Never one to pull his punches, Danno said to Steve, "If you ever have a child one day, I hope I'm there to see it. I _also _hope you'll be pulling your"—the blond cop had started saying 'hair' until he saw Steve's buzz cut—"shirt out looking for a present for your kid."

"Don't get me wrong...I love the little rug rat, I really do, but the next set you buy her will probably be broken within a month," Steve commented. Danny wanted to strangle him; sometimes, Steve could be really abrasive without necessarily meaning to be.

They made their way over to where Chin was staring at some 20 inch screens as Danny cleared the air. "The truth is: Grace didn't break it, I did," he confessed. Kona's ears picked up on that while she scanned the sets hanging on the wall.

"I smell a story cooking here," she said.

"Yeah, well, none of you are gonna hear it," Danny told them. "Suffice it to say that the set was broken while I was performing my duty."

He looked all around and saw no sets even matching the one his daughter, looking up with her big, soft eyes, had asked for. Danny would stay all night, or at least until the store closed, if he had to, but he'd get this set for his little pumpkin in time for her to watch it with her newfound friends in Hawaii.

"Looks like we won't find it here," Steve said flatly. "And how did you find this place, anyway?"

"I asked Chin to do a background check of some of the best shops on the islands with the least expensive prices," Danno answered. "This one got the most hits."

Steve ran his fingers along his short, dark hair as Danny commented, "There was a Murray's in New Jersey. They had everything a person could want, and the prices were...well, let's just say you could buy a set for a little girl and get another one for yourself at the same time."

"And they'd probably be out of business next week trying to constantly replace their stock," Steve muttered. "At least this store has been here forever."

"Forever?" Danny said, raising a brow.

"Well, since 1962, anyway," Steve replied. "It was on the sign out front."

"Even with practically no stock, these shops still are in business!" Danny cried frustrated. "Another thing about paradise that I can't stand. How is that humanly possible?"

"You know, we could go somewhere else..." Kona suggested.

"Or," Chin picked up the slack, "you could go online and buy one."

"Thanks, but I'd rather see it in a store and check the audio and video inputs and outputs and stuff, so we'll keep searching," Danny said, looking at the right side of the store.

Steve sighed. He knew they'd be here forever by Danny's calculations if he didn't get things moving. The dark haired leader motioned for everyone to come toward him. When they did, he issued his latest order.

"The only way we're gonna find it is to treat this like any other situation," he instructed. "So, we split up and keep in constant communication. When someone finds something we give a shout out, okay?"

Pleased with that idea, Kona said, "Okay." She moved to one side of the store. Chin Ho nodded and took another area. Steve went to a third section in the middle of the shop, and Danny went toward the back next to where the store room was.

About fifteen minutes later, Steve was ready to call it quits, or at least see if there was anything in the storage room. Danno had not found anything to his liking, and the leader of Five 0 could not take any more. Motioning to a fat man eating a turkey leg with barbecue sauce in the front of the store, Steve tugged his Hawaiian shirt sleeve so that the man came by to see what he wanted.

"Aloha," the man greeted between bites. "You looking for a TV?" Steve flashed his badge.

"I'm looking for a way into that room right there," he indicated the storage room. Seeing the man's name tag, which told the detective that he'd located Murray Manakaua, Steve gave him a determined look.

"Open up, now," the leader of Five 0 said, his look telling the fearful man he'd better not protest.

Murray opened the door quickly, asking, "What's the trouble?"

"Something valuable may be behind there," Steve said. "We just want to make sure it doesn't fall into the wrong hands."

Murray looked skeptical, but he complied. After he opened the door, Steve strolled in, followed by an annoyed Danno. The cop in charge told Murray that it would be best if he and Danno looked alone. Eager to finish his lunch, Murray agreed, telling Steve to call him if they needed him.

When they were totally alone, Danny said, "Okay, it's official: you're stark, raving nuts!"

"Why?" Steve asked. "We got in a part of the store you haven't seen, didn't we?"

Danny protested as he looked amongst some television sets, "You know you're abusing your authority."

Steve routed through some storage boxes, looking for the stock number Danny's ex had written on them. "How?" he asked.

"You told him there was something valuable in here," Danny recapped. "That's fraud, since there are only TV sets in here. It's not like being in a Maui Diver's store, or something!" He saw a small, television set with a light blue border. Steve pulled out a smaller set, only to be met with a shake of his friend's head.

"There _is _something valuable in here, Danno," Steve quipped. "The set's valuable to your little girl, isn't it?"

Danny nodded.

"Okay," Steve responded. "So, we don't want someone else getting their hands on it, do we?"

He looked at some more boxes and reminded his fellow officer, "Besides, need I remind you that I have total autonomy?"

Danny turned from his obviously mentally unbalanced teammate and saw something he hadn't noticed before. A small set, done in a rich brown, was sitting on the shelf. Though it was not pink like the set Grace had wanted, it was the right size and it had the speakers attached. The detective thought about involving Steve to get his opinion, but Danny's friend had left the storage room and gone further out into the shop.

The blond cop looked at the set, its wooden base having been recently polished. Danny frowned as he discovered that the television didn't have any buttons below for power and sound. The only thing it had on its front was a dial with numbers which looked more like years than channels.

_What the...? _Danny thought as he fiddled around with it.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Meanwhile, Steve, Kona, and Chin Ho were comparing notes. "Boss," Chin said, "I think I've found one, and right in Oahu!" He started to show Steve the information on his laptop when he and the others heard laughing: Danno's. They opened the door to the older cop, who was giggling as he watched the funny looking television set without the usual buttons. His arms were crossed behind his head.

"Hey, guys!" Danny exclaimed. "You gotta check this out!"

He showed them four figures in suits with ties running through the streets of Oahu. The leader of the four had slicked back brown hair and a lantern jaw. He also was tall and had absolute authority etched in his intense blue eyes. The team watched as the man who was the governor of Hawaii invited the man into his office.

"Please, Steve, you've got to take this case," the governor Paul Jameson was saying.

"Need I remind you, sir, that this isn't in my jurisdiction, at least not totally," the man said. The governor walked over to where the man stood.

"Steve, this is important! I'll get you whatever you need on this. Do it as a personal favor to me," Jameson told him.

"All right," the television Steve said.

"The _governor _is _male,_ and kow tows to _him?" _Kona asked. "No fricking way!"

"Way," Danny said. "You've gotta see the rest of this! It's hilarious."

The four of them looked at a heavy built cop enter the office in the Iolani Palace along with a young, blond cop and an older cop.

"All right," the television Steve McGarrett ordered, "we play this by the numbers...".

_"Us?" _Danny repeated. "You never did anything by the numbers in your life!" Next to him, Steve crossed his arms.

"What the h- is this?" he asked. "Since when do we wear suits _without_ protection?"

"Since when do we wear suits 24-7, boss?" Chin Ho asked with a smile.

On the screen, the television Steve was saying, "Kono, see what your contacts have on this perpetrator." As the image of Kono hurried to do the television Steve's bidding, Kona frowned.

"So, according to this, I'm a _man, _and I'm _fat! _Who put together this...spoof of us?" she asked.

"I know what you mean," Danny said; then, when Kona gave him a look, he corrected himself saying, "well, actually, no, I don't but what I find hilarious is the fact that I'm _younger, _and apparently I'm nuts about Hawaii. Oh! And my personal favorite: I as well as Steve order the Honolulu police force around like a couple of flunkies!"

The four stared transfixed as they looked at the television Steve saying something about the islands being his territory.

"_His _islands?" Steve repeated. "That must come as a great surprise to the governor!"

Danny, Chin and Kona snickered. Only Steve was quietly staring. Whoever the leader was on the television, he was the spitting image of John McGarrett, Steve's recently deceased father. His dead parent was a very sensitive area, and Steve hated being reminded of how John had died at the hands of the villainous Hess.

"Hey, come on, turn that stuff off!" Steve shouted. He reached for the dial, but Danny's hand shot out.

"Wait, here comes another good bit," Danny said as they saw the television's version of Chin Ho Kelly enter the room and provide some information.

"Get all of the inhabitants out of there, including your wife and kids, Chin," Steve's television image was saying.

"Wouldn't my character have thought of that _before _he had to say it?" Chin Ho asked. Danny was trying not to laugh at the sheer stupidity of the other cops in relation to the television image of Steve.

A thought occurred to Chin as he said, "Wait a minute: wife and kids? I'm not married, and I'm definitely _not _that old-as-Methusula guy!"

"Apparently you are," Danny reported, "with six kids."

"_Six kids?" _Chin was shouting. "On _my _cops salary?"

"Throw in an understanding boss," Danny commented, scrutinizing Steve (who wasn't the most understanding leader at times), "a house in the rich section of Maui, a dog and a housekeeper and you've got the Brady Bunch."

"Danno, is this the set you want, already?" Steve asked.

Danny thought about it. Sure, it wasn't _exactly _what he was looking for, but he was dying to see more about the four comedians onscreen. He thought about what price he should bandy about to haggle with Murray.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

The Doctor, Amy and Rory walked along the streets of the Big Island, in the town of Captain Cook.

"You sure it's here, Doctor?" Amy asked, her red hair sticking to her face. It was a particularly hot day on the island, and she felt as though she was melting away.

The Time Lord held up his sonic screwdriver, pointing it way in front of him, his pink bow tie a little bit crooked.

"Yes, I'm sure this time," he said, abruptly changing direction.

Rory followed him first, Amy coming up behind her fiancé. "Just like you were right the other nine times?" the red headed boy asked sarcastically. The Doctor glared at him.

"I made some adjustments to the 'screwdriver. It should work correctly and reveal the precise location of my property," he assured the pair.

"And, once we find it, we can have a nip in the park?" Amy asked.

The Gallifreyan was too caught up in his search to respond. Studying his instrument, he went toward a group of small shops in the center of town.

"Why's this television so important, anyway?" Rory wanted to know.

The Doctor zig zagged his way through the streets as they started up a small mountain pass. "Because, it can tell the past, present and future of any universe, including the one we're in!" the Doctor replied. "Time Lords have them to focus on an event in the past or in the future."

He scrutinized his companions, guessing what their next question would be. "I managed to fix it so that the future would not be revealed to anyone who accidentally turned the dial and started watching," the Gallifreyan said. Amy and Rory thought the same thing: _crap!_

Amy decided to focus on something else about the Time Lord's telly. "How was it lost, Doctor?" She wondered aloud.

"The answer's obvious, Amy Pond," the Time Lord responded. "_One_ of you left it where it was not supposed to be when we chased the Granitivans through the sulfurous crater on this island."

"No, we didn't," Rory sprang to Amy's and his defense. "We didn't even have it when we were running toward those rocky things!"

"That's right, Doctor," Amy put in. "We just held the wand thing and you blasted them, or sent them back through the dimensional door to their home planet."

"I did no such..." the Doctor started defending, then he stopped as he remembered something. "Oh, so I did!" He tapped his forehead, muttering, "There's my memory again. Starts happening around 800 years of age."

They didn't gang up on the Doctor for not apologizing. "Oh, come on, Doctor," Amy tried reassuring him. "You're the youngest 906-year-old I've ever known!"

The Doctor smiled, inquiring with a gleam in his eyes, "And just how many have you known?" He didn't wait for Amy's response as he walked to a shop entitled _Murray's TV Shack _and then stopped.

"Here we are! Time to search," the Doctor told both companions. He gave them two 'screwdrivers and turned each one to the appropriate setting. The three headed inside the shop.


	2. Chapter 2

TV OR NOT TV

CHAPTER TWO

**A/N: Thanks for those who reviewed and/or cited the story as a favorite! This has been a joy to write and I look forward to (hopefully) making all who read it laugh.**

**Reviews, please...**

_Previously: "Here we are! Time to search," the Doctor told both companions. He gave them two 'screwdrivers and turned each one to the appropriate setting. The three headed inside the shop._

The sonic screwdriver indicated the location where the Doctor's time telly was. The Time Lord scanned the wall behind the back of the store and looked up, measuring the dimensions of the building. It was about six stories high, and _Murray's TV Shack_ was proudly displayed on one of the doors, which were three in all, bearing the names of all the businesses in the grey hued building.

"Right..." the Doctor said, rubbing his long fingers together. "My readings indicate the television is behind this door." He looked to his two companions for confirmation of the reading.

Amy held up her 'screwdriver; Rory did the same. Both were casting a mauve colored light toward the door. It was on the tip of her lips to ask about why the color would be mauve rather than red for finding something, but she supposed that the device was made with the Doctor's weird tendencies in mind. Maybe he just liked the color.

"Doctor," Rory asked. "How shall we get inside?"

The Time Lord didn't respond but pointed his screwdriver toward the room intending to enter the building. A moment later, he cried, "_Sha'sti'ca!" _in his native language.

Amy covered her mouth, saying with an amused voice, "Doctor, did you just _curse?" _

Embarassed, the Time Lord fibbed, "No, I didn't." Before the companions could ask him why his 'screwdriver didn't work, the Doctor saw a small window by the door. He opened the window a little wider.

"In you go, Miss Amy Pond," the Time Lord said, helping the young lady through it. Landing on her bum, Amy tried to be as quiet as possible. She took in her surroundings and pronounced that they were entering a storage facility.

Rory and the Doctor climbed in after her and the eldest of their group took a reading, shining it on the wall in the middle of the room.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

Meanwhile, outside of the storage area, Danny was talking to Murray about pricing.

"C'mon, Murray, you wouldn't con a cop, would you?" he was saying cajolingly. "I think you can do much better than $375!"

"You said it had no buttons and dials resembling years, right, cousin?" Murray asked, thinking about where such a set had come from. He knew everything that he'd ordered, and such a set was not in the shipment he'd requested from the warehouse.

_Ah, well, _he thought, _they'll make __**any **__kind of set with HD technology, even something retro! Now to get my pigeon to buy!_

"$350," Murray said, "and I'll throw in shipping as long as it's on the islands."

Steve held up three fingers, saying, "Three hundred, or need I remind you that you're holding valuable merchandise?"

Murray calculated, doing some figures on his hand held device. "In _that _case, Officer," he told Danny, "$350."

Danny really turned on the schmoozola, saying, "Murray, Murray, Murray...it says in the ad I saw that you _love _your customers, right?"

Murray looked at him skeptically, then said, "Yeah, so?"

The blond policeman managed a pout. "So, I'm not feeling the love," he told the shop keeper, looking back at his friends, "right guys?"

Murray did some figures in his head and wrote them down.

XXXXXXXXXXX

While Danny waited for his new television set for Grace, Amy, Rory and the Doctor pushed away some crates. In the process of moving boxes to get to the set, Rory caused one of the crates to tip forward. He steadied it, but it made a creaking sound, which Steve heard outside of the room.

Whipping out a gun, the leader of Five 0 said to Danno low enough for him but not any customers to hear, "I heard a noise."

"Rats?" Danny asked, trying to be helpful.

"The sound I heard was too precise to have been made by a rat," Steve responded. "I'll check it out." He cautiously crept toward the smaller room, his gun at his side.

Murray looked at him and then back at Danno. "Pests," he suggested. "Steve's a great exterminator. Don't worry. $310."

The shop owner thought about the set once more and cast his mind back to business as he said, "$315."

Danny gave him a look, asking, "Now, Murray, pal...would you break the heart of a little girl? Would you deny her the chance to watch Saturday Morning Cartoons with her friends?"

Murry rolled his eyes, saying, "All right! $305. That's my _final _offer."

XXXXXXXXXXX

While Danny mulled over that price, Steve was inching toward the storage facility and putting his head to the door, listening.

Inside, Rory cast worried eyes on the other door across from where the trio stood. The Doctor was turning his set this way and that.

"Hmm," he said, inspecting it, "it doesn't seem like someone...ahh! They have been messing about with it!"

He put the device down, took his sonic screwdriver, and placed it on top of another crate. Taking it apart, the Doctor crossed two wires to reprogram it.

"Doctor..." Rory cautioned, his eyes telling the Time Lord in a silent plea to hurry up.

Outside, Steve signaled Chin and Kona to flank him as he worked on the lock. He knew he could have asked Murray for the key, but he _definitely _heard noises of a human variety, and Steve didn't want to let them know he was outside. From Kona's and Chin's expressions, he knew that they had guessed the same. Kona stood to Steve's left side, while Chin took the right. Standing by Murray, Danny pretended that everything was business as usual, but his blue eyes were peeled for anything.

In the storage room, the Time Lord had started tinkering with his time television. "Just ten seconds more," the Doctor said softly, reassembling his 'screwdriver after ten seconds. "Now, to test it."

"Doctor, can't we do that on the TARDIS?" Amy whispered, her eyes darting toward the door. But, wrapped up in his desire to reprogram his set, the Doctor was using the 'screwdriver to fix the dial.

"Will only take a moment," he said, using the device to seal the dial in place. Studying his handiwork after some minor adjustments, the Doctor said, "right. That's got it."

He started to pick up the small, brown box when the door opened. Rory quickly picked up the set, hoping to camouflage the little box behind his bigger body.

Amy raised her hands, turning her face toward the Doctor. She waited for a signal from him as a man walked in, with short, dark hair and a dangerous expression in his eyes. He held a weapon in his hands and had a woman and another man behind him. The man and woman behind the first man were Hawaiian looking and were standing in combative positions.

"Yet another stray thought that looks good on the paper but in actuality is positively ghastly when one enacts it in real life," the Doctor muttered.

_"Quiet!" _Steve ordered. Spying the set behind Rory, he looked back at the Doctor and his companions.

"Drop that TV!" the leader of Five 0 barked. Scared out of his wits, Rory dropped the small, yet heavy object...on Steve's left foot. The cop grabbed his toes, dropping his weapon as he did. The gun misfired, shooting a hole in the wall, but otherwise not harming anyone.

The Doctor, Amy and Rory were shoved out by Kona and Chin Ho, the latter putting hand cuffs on them. Meanwhile, Steve brought up the rear, grabbing his foot, massaging his hurting toes, hopping at the same time.

Danny, who had signed the credit voucher, warranty and the rest of the paperwork, asked, "Hey? What the heck happened? Who are you guys and what are you doing with my television set?"

The Doctor opened his mouth to dissuade Danny from his possession of the time telly.


End file.
